Darn this PMS!

All those weepy nights with stifled sobs and clogged nostrils just gave me 2 days of horrendous bug-eyed days in the office. Not even my most excellent application method of my trusty concealer could hide the telltale signs of bedtime crying.

Countless times I've told myself, "STOP IT! Self-pitying is a loser's game! God loves you more than any (pseudo) human male in this lifetime!" You can't believe how my paranoia conjured so many thoughts like, "Oh great, he must be dating her already! I knew it ~ he really goes for those girls with model's bodies (not necessarily the face, tho), those girls who know how to dress up and stop men cold! Argh, but she's only 21!!!" I couldn't swallow the bitter possibility that my ex could have already exchanged me for a much younger girl ~ someone who'd look up to me pa!

There's this early-20s girl whose strikingly simple yet gorgeous looks make all the the males at work seem like drooling idiots. At the sight of her, their peanut-sized brains just suddenly freeze up in sheer, happy insanity. This girl, from out of nowhere, submits her CV to apply for a position that's NOWHERE near her background. Its a job requirement that doesn't need a brainy, savvy young girl like her... A chemical engineer to work as an admin assistant?! Can you explain to me WHY someone who's supposedly bright, would think of downgrading herself to such a position?!

Things that make you go hmm...

Am I actually feeling threatened by a 23-yr old? Argh. I feel so like Sex and the City. Argh.

And 2 days later, kabamm!!! Hello Red Flag. Hi there, o great monthly visitor.

My bouts of teetering on the brink of insanity were simply waves of psychological turmoil brought about by hormones-gone-mad during one's PMS.

Ain't it great being female?

And so off I go to buy the Sept-Oct issues of Preview and Cosmo to calm my frazzled mind...

Ah wait, didn't I tell myself that spending over P30,000/month on new clothes isn't sane at all?! So why am I splurging on 5 fashion magazines in one blow?! To further excite the shopaholic monster in me? To make rationalize, "Oh my goodness, this is EXACTLY what I need now that I'm turning 31 in a few months!" "That shoe will best fit my new clothes, and its in the color/s I need!"

And it didn't help that I got the other 50% of my 13th month bonus today. Yipee-dee.

*I don't have extra shopping money in the bank... I need to save for my brother's P45,000 tuition fees in Dec. Christmas shopping is right around the corner.... You're the appointed Shopper-of-the-Family girl...*

I can't believe all my taxes and deductibles due to my loans cut my income in HALF this month.

And I love shopping.

I'm 24 lbs lighter than when I started 2004. I've found a sport that I can do on a weekly basis without blowing my budget.

My conservative-fashionista self has returned with a vengeance. Others keep on saying I'm looking better than evah!

And the best part? I'm 30 and single.

SO cliche-ish... but true.

But I'm not exactly happy about it.

I'd rather be 140 lbs, 29 yrs old, and in-love with someone who loves me more than I love him.

Sad, isn't it? The irony of looking your best in the loooongest time, but with no one else to love you, and for you to revel this renewed look with.

My saving grace?

The Man up THERE loves me, thru thick or thin, in poverty or health, in shame or fame, in loneliness or in the company of friends.

Thank you, my dearest Jesus, Lord and Saviour: For being the only constant in my life, and for loving me despite my selfishness and self-pity.

I feel weird...

...or is it wired? I've heard of blogs countless times, but I never saw the need to do my own. When I saw Rina Azcuna's phlogs (www.phlogs.net), it hit me how wonderful a blog/phlog would be to unleash the hidden (nyarf!) artist in me... or bring back the hit-and-miss journal writer that started when she was only 9 years old.

So what am I doing? I don't know. Like I said, I feel weird... or is it more of LOST? Floating? Rambling on and on because of this little void in me that I've been feeling for weeks now. Like I'm here but would rather be elsewhere... I'm present, but hopelessly absent. I look happy, but am actually a geyser ready to explode.

My appetite's gone crazy again... am expecting to have it anytime soon, most likely tomorrow. I can't help but eat carbs again, and its starting to show in my belly!!! Argh, I'm growing love handles with no one to love handling them!

Its Monday night, and I'm raring to play badminton because I haven't played in a WEEK! I feel like I need to release a lot of stress and pent-up feelings... I've tried spa treatments (massage, facial, back facial, spa pedicure), but these haven't helped me at all. Less than 24 hrs later, I'm feeling stressed and tired again.